In words that ask what words are for ) Topher

[CHARLIE]

---------------------------------------------------

This was starting to become a routine, spending a few hours every night in the art room. Charlie could draw or paint nearly anything he imagined, but that was the problem. While his creative talent remained it seemed the one thing lacking was pure imagination. He could draw the pond, the pool, or the imprint chair with his eyes closed. He could paint blue skies with white fluffy cotton ball clouds and tall black skyscrapers with flames shooting out from their shattered windows. But if he tried to create something that related to his past, something that represented himself--something most artists took for granted--he couldn't bring anything to mind. In point of fact, he'd be better off drawing a stick figure in front of a square with a triangle on top of it. He could add a chimney with a little curly line of smoke spiraling upward.

He crumpled the piece of paper and tossed it to the floor beside him where it landed atop a pile of paper balls. He had been sitting like this for at least two hours, but exactly how long he did not know. No one had been by for a while, and he'd heard the sound of the lights going off in the sleeping quarters some time ago. As far as he knew, the only people awake were just him and whoever was on patrol. He leaned forward to rest his head in his hands, his elbows propped on the small table in front of him, and let out a long sigh. If there was a way to reconnect with his past, art therapy apparently wasn't it.

[TOPHER BRINK]

Topher had his good days and his bad days. There were also vaying degrees of bad and good but mostly it was possible to tell what state of mind Topher was in. Today wasn't so bad. He was a bit edgy, but fully functional. Topher had many quirks, one of them being he didn't like the dark, another open spaces, rats, being alone and for some oddest reason spiders. That was a fascinated repulsion. Eight legs, hehe. So odd. How come they didn't get all tangled up and confused?

Topher was sure the Actives had no idea that a lot of the current situation was his fault. He had the best of intentions, mostly due to Echo and her 'glitching'. He never intended for this, for bodies to be sold, or imprinted, entire personalities skipping around five or six different bodies in a single year. Everyone was imprinted. Or a butcher. A life as an Actual wasn't particularly pleasant. This was the last Dollhouse left standing with Actives inside. Topher didn't understand why they weren't allowed themselves back. He guessed he knew the reason. They would understand too much, know too much about the situation. Topher would almost certainly not be in a good phsyical condition under those circumstances.

Topher entered the art room. He had been wandering around making sure the Actives were OK. A couple he had given a change of skill. They had developed a sense of boredom anyway. They were looking after the plants now. He saw Charlie surrounded by what looked like frustration considering he had chucked multiple drawings away. Topher bent over and picked one up and opened it. "You know these are quite good. Is there a reason you keep throwing them away?" Topher asked.

[CHARLIE]

To say that Topher had caught Charlie off-guard would have been an understatement. The semi-aware Active wasn't used to having people pop up out of nowhere, and now he was beginning to understand why the people working for the Dollhouse used to keep all the Actives in such a peaceful state of mind. Any more coherence and there would've likely been a lot more jumpy Dolls shouting out expletives when called upon for treatments.

"Hmmmnu?" Charlie mumbled, turning to the side to see Topher picking up one of his discarded pages. It was still unclear to Charlie whether or not Topher knew about the Active's interest in him. Charlie didn't even know if he wanted the programmer to ever find out, concerned that it might change their developing friendship for the worse. "Oh. Topher, sorry. Been a little caught up in my work, I guess," Charlie said, clearing some of the balled up papers to make a spot to the side of him where Topher could sit if he didn't want to stand any longer.

"I can't get what's in my head onto the paper, if that makes sense. It's like.. that part of me is still locked up somewhere. But I guess I've made progress. What've you been up to today?" Charlie never liked to directly ask Topher how he was feeling, believing it to be inconsiderate and impolite to question someone's state of mind.

[TOPHER BRINK]

"Oh. Topher, sorry. Been a little caught up in my work, I guess,"

Score! Wrong Active buty hey, it was a start. For once someone else was getting the creepy little vibes when someone they didn't expect to be standing there started talking. He should really try it on Echo before he went completely mental in revenge for all those times she popped up out of nowhere and started informing him of things, or pushing about some Active or asking questions. They all secretly had ninja stealth skills. That had to be it. It must be an instinctual thing about sneaking up on people. Perhaps they had complete sense of balance and weight distribution? Why hadn't he thought of this before now? He'd have to run a mental theory or two later. Might even switch on technology. It wasn't good but he did have to make sure that their defences were holding up while he was still...himself.

"I can't get what's in my head onto the paper, if that makes sense. It's like.. that part of me is still locked up somewhere. But I guess I've made progress. What've you been up to today?"

"Makes plenty sense. Can't get most stuff out in a way people understand. Takes me multiple tries," Topher said honestly. With the Actives' awareness going up notches slowly it was no secret that Topher was odd even when sane. While the medication did its work Topher was just like he was before...mostly, with the added risk that something could happen to cause a sharp and quick regression of his mental state. Perhaps he spent too much time in ehre but Topher didn't like going outdoors, too much space, not comfortable, edgy edgy. It was ironic really. The felt safest in the dollhouse, even since he first came here yet it suffered frequent blackouts and well, it was actually quite dark. He didn't normally move around a lot. Topher was pretty easy to find.

"If you want increased skills or anything..." Topher offered. Why didn't they just offer them their personalities back? He'd have to speak to Adelle about it when he could still remember he had these thoughts. They should be given the choice. The were self-aware, able to make the decision and there was no reason to keep them like this. They might actually be useful as functioning adults that the equivalent to an intelligent 5 year old. Maybe 8. Echo was definately far advanced than the others but then again, the otehrs didn't have imprints bopping around in their heads. So the technology didn't work quite as well as expected. Nothing ever did.

The question made Topher laugh his nervous laugh, hands fidgety. "Need to check security," Topher said. He didn't like thinking about it. Security could only mean one thing anyway. "And make sure the imprints are fine," Who knew what prolonged shelving would do to them? It was an excuse though. Topher was 95% sure they'd last years unless corrupted or damaged. "Fancy a juicebox?" Topher asked. Anything to get the conversation away from what he was thinking about.

[CHARLIE]

“Makes plenty sense. Can’t get most stuff out in a way people understand. Takes me multiple tries.”

“Nothing wrong with things taking time, right? Sometimes I have to be patient, when I try to be my best,” Charlie said, aware of the commonly used Active phrase. He still said it now, but the innocent tone was gone. His response had more to do with the way he felt about the process of becoming self-aware, of joining Trent with Charlie in a way that didn’t result in melting his brain. Charlie went back to absent-mindedly shuffling through the stack of drawings he had deemed ‘decent’ as the conversation continued.

“If you want increased skills or anything...”

“That time may come,” Charlie said, smiling. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m still trying to sort things out up here for now.” Charlie gestured toward the side of his head. “Being off the meds, it’s helped me clear out some cobwebs, I guess. Headaches suck, but if I were blank, I’d be helpless. And if I were Trenton... I wouldn’t be me, wouldn’t be complete me.”

“Need to check security... Fancy a juicebox?”

“Juicebox, sure. I’d like that. Mind some company? I think if I sit here any longer I’ll just move into self-pity,” Charlie asked, only halfway hiding his interest in Topher. Some days, like this, when Topher was very much himself, Charlie didn’t feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the genius programmer. It was the days he didn’t seem quite himself that Charlie hesitated to be around him, for fear of appearing opportunistic.

[TOPHER BRINK]

“Nothing wrong with things taking time, right? Sometimes I have to be patient, when I try to be my best,”

Couldn't aruge with that logic. Which was annoying. Seriously. Losing arguments to Actives, even Semi Actives did not help his self esteem...which in normal circumstances didn't require any help at all but he never used to worry about hurting people's feelings all the time, or accidently killing them by causing them to tumble down the stairs, or zap them when they walk into his lab when he's trying something new and not entirely sane at all no no nope nadda. This guilt thing...he didn't much like it but it was reality, it was the way he had to be, he he just had to had to, couldn't be any other way. What was Charlie saying again? Oh yeah. Couldn't argue with that. He lost to Echo once. Not that he was about to tell Mr Patience here.

“Being off the meds, it’s helped me clear out some cobwebs, I guess. Headaches suck, but if I were blank, I’d be helpless. And if I were Trenton... I wouldn’t be me, wouldn’t be complete me.”

That made sense. Echo had gone through the same thing with Caroline, but there really was no turning back for her now anyway. Caroline was more or less out of business but apparantly that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Besides Echo was a lot like Caroline...only nicer. He thinks. But Charlie talking about cobwebs didn't make sense to him. How could an active have cobwebs. They were empty. OK so Charlie wasn't quite empty as such but htere wasn't much stuffing, besides Charlie was going to stay Charlie. "Oooohhh cleaning out the cobwebs, big big job. Veerrrry messy. Might take ya a long time. And you misunderstand. I can plug in skills without changing who you are. And I hate to break it to you but Trenton vacated the premises permanently. S'all yours. You could pick a different name if you wanted though you may be perfectly happy with the one you were given. Most people are I guess," Topher rreplied. His name was fine, but he did prefer Topher. Reminded him of Tofu. Tofu was strange and it sounded funny. Plus it suited him better than 'Christopher' or 'Chris'. could you imagine him being called Chris? Didn't think so.

“Juicebox, sure. I’d like that. Mind some company? I think if I sit here any longer I’ll just move into self-pity,”

"sure," Topher shrugged. "Though if you tell anyone of my tash, I will have to punish you when I'm sane enough to remember you did it," Topher threatened gently. He was very protective of his stash, though technically everyone knew where his juiceboxes were anyway. They didn't understand. It wasn't just because he liked juiceboxes and food and all other concotions that weren't good for the body though stimulated his mind very well, it was a sense of ownership. He owned his body, the lab was his, and so was his food. The Dollhouse had taken more than one precious thing from him. They couldn't have that. It was strange, twisted and didn't make much sense to anyone else but it was his. He didn't even have a home outside this place. He didn't think anyone knew that...perhaps save Adelle...who knew everything...freakily. "Ah. Dangerous ground is self pity. I should know," Topher joked. If only it was that and not mind tearing guilt. Ah well. If he can't joke about it now what can he do?

[CHARLIE]

Charlie liked to think that there was more to him than just a blank doll with a few memory upgrades, but the fact of the matter was that he wasn't entirely sure of who he was. He could convince the other dolls, especially the ones who remained in their child-like state, that he was not just Charlie but also Trenton, but that didn't make him certain of it. Charlie wasn't certain of anything, except for a small handful of things.

Bright lights still bothered him, as well as sudden noises. He did not like eating meat, preferring vegetables and almonds. He wanted to be his best, wanted to do anything he could to help the others, including going above for supplies. He knew that friends help each other out, and that he wanted Topher to be his best friend. He thought he might like it if Topher were more than his best friend, but he understood that things didn't always work out that way.

But beyond that, Charlie knew that he used to be Trenton and that some of Trenton's memories had surfaced since he had stopped taking the meds that used to be pumped into the sleeping pods. Trenton was an artist, and a tattoo artist. Charlie felt compelled to create art, too, but as he had been discussing with Topher, it hadn't been going as well as he had hoped. He also knew that Trenton was attracted to other guys, but this was something he had yet to confide in anyone at the Dollhouse, especially given his interest in becoming closer to the unstable programmer.

"Oooohhh cleaning out the cobwebs, big big job. Veerrrry messy. Might take ya a long time. And you misunderstand. I can plug in skills without changing who you are. And I hate to break it to you but Trenton vacated the premises permanently. S'all yours. You could pick a different name if you wanted though you may be perfectly happy with the one you were given. Most people are I guess,"

"I like being Charlie. I think... I am better because of it," Charlie said with a nod and a smile. "My name makes more sense to me than some of the others. Does that make sense?"

"Though if you tell anyone of my stash, I will have to punish you when I'm sane enough to remember you did it."

Charlie nodded and got up from his table stationed in the middle of the art room. "I won't tell anyone. You can trust me... with your life." Charlie said. The words had a deeper meaning than he realized, but he spoke them with conviction rather than the naive call and response that had been ingrained in him on his first day in the Dollhouse.

"Ah. Dangerous ground is self pity. I should know,"

Charlie offered a smile, unsure of how to respond to the joke. Instead, he remained silent as they made their way closer to Topher's secret stash. Until, of course, he had a thought of his own. "Topher... if I wanted some of Trenton's memories--but not all of them--would that be possible?"

[TOPHER BRINK]

"My name makes more sense to me than some of the others. Does that make sense?"

"I know! You could be called Hotel which is a perfectly useful name I suppose but generic and not altogether useful. Doesn't fit in with society and would earn you strange stares." Topher rambled about nothing. Some of those military phonetic alphabet names were really quite awful though the girls ones tended to be better: Echo, Zulu, Delta, Foxtrot....though he suposed a dance was unisex and could go either way. not that you'd want to be named after a dance. But the Foxtrot was a good dance to be named over. As was Tango. And the drink! Tango was a good drink, he often commented this to IVy but it was gassy and gas was unpleasant for all those invovled - he wasn't sure who had it worse though not that he particularly wanted to comment on it. He hadn't the inclination. NOr the desire. It wasn't really a topic that popped into his head really so it should just leave...now...please.

"I won't tell anyone. You can trust me... with your life."

"Well I'll have to when I don't take my pills and get worse and stuff. Ooooo...don't tell Dr Doom." Topher turned all puppy eyes on Charlie. Dr Saunders thought he forgot and she'd be livid as hell if she found out that most of the time - except from the rare times he did actually forget to pop them like sweets - it was a deliberate act of abstinance. now he had no problem with shoving chemicals into his body, he put enough sugary crap into it without much issue but...well...she'd either not believe him or stare at him all cold chilly and un-Ellie like and tell him he deserved it. The truth, as she had said herself was better left hidden amongst lies and deciet. It was the only way to survive in this life. She was just beginning to understand that. But how can you live when you are a lie? Or are you? Claire was destroying herself even if she couldn't see it. Topher was destroying himself in an entirely different way.

"Topher... if I wanted some of Trenton's memories--but not all of them--would that be possible?"

Topher span around to face Charlie. "Ahhh," He uttered after sucking in some air. "Not really no," He said wondering if he could explain it in a way someone who didn't know much about anything would understand let alone the basic functions of the brain. He had hard enough time with intelligent poeple of a learned nature to a normal degree (let's face it, not many people were as clever as he was...perhaps Bennet Halverson... who was a girl...yay!). "The brain is a strange strange thing. It's a bit like a computer....," Did Charlie know anything about computers? "It stores all information, including your personality and as we've found out with Echo your personality never truly leaves...it's sort of suppressed. Echo's just as determined as Caroline was only nicer I feel since Echo's never tried to make my brain implode..." Topher waved his hands wildly. "But elements of Caroline remain. To give you some of Trenton's memories would spark the others because Trenton isn't a partial construct, he's a person and to keep the rest locked away I'd probably have to do some extensive experimental work on your noggin which may or may not result in your total impairment in otherwords brain damage or coma..." Topher replied. Perhaps that was overkill....


NOTES: Sorry for the wait and the scatterishness..I'm kind of out of it a wee bitty.