am i still an active… or am i myself? [open]

[JULIET]

catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket

[/font][/size][/i]es, Juliet was still herself. She had checked that earlier that day in the mirror. They said the Dollhouse was scanner-proofed, but the girl still needed to check. Every morning she checked, every morning before meeting the world. Every night she checked, every night before signing off her brain to the dreams she scarcely remembered. She slept soundly at night, but most of the times in the morning she’d wake up sweating from a nightmare she knew she wouldn’t have had if she were still an Active.

But if she were still and Active, she would have never been herself. How ironic; even now she didn’t feel like herself. Yet she was. She was Seraphim Alyse Bishop, and she hated it. She hated her name because she didn’t know herself anymore. More and more she had begun to realize who she really was: Juliet. She had been Juliet before even becoming Juliet. She was never Sera—at least not after the beginning of High School. She had always been different, had been a nerd, had retreated into herself. Though the name she had called herself was not Juliet, the name Juliet was a nice alternative.

Now, years later, the name had stuck. It didn’t matter that the name was some sort of code name used in the military; the name was ironic. Juliet had killed herself after learning that her love, Romeo (no, not the one in the Dollhouse), had fake killed himself. She knew Shakespeare like the back of her hand. Yet… she wasn’t really sure if she knew the back of her hand anymore. What if she woke up one day and it wasn’t the back of her hand?

This morning Juliet had checked twice, like she did every morning. She had peered into her bright blue eyes with something nearly akin to fear, after having woken up from an intense dream, but everything was the same. She hadn’t woken up in another doll’s body. Then her slight OCD made her check herself in the mirror again, because ever since she’d gotten her personality, herself, back, she’d developed that small problem. She liked it, because it made her feel more human… sometimes.

Now it was lunchtime, and Juliet was not hungry. She wasn’t really sure why, but she just wasn’t. Maybe it was because she’d see her doll-friends, the ones she had thought were her friends but now knew weren’t because they were only programmed to be friends. Or maybe because she really wasn’t hungry. So Juliet was sitting in her regular spot underneath the very large picture (tapestry, her mind told her) of a cherry-tree. She believed it had been recently imported to the Dollhouse after the staff realized her uncanny love for nature. She heartily remembered nearly slicing a handler’s hand with scissors (on accident) when they tried to take her little tree away from her. She had carried the tree around everywhere for a week (except on engagements). She had become aware of her surroundings a bit.

Now she sat under the tapestry wearing a blank face. Her blue eyes looked at the words in the book in her hands, her fingers traced the images on the opposite page. But her mind was anywhere but on the book—it was picturing her somewhere, somewhere with trees and bushes and ferns and a stream… and she was holding a cat. The very best dream… But her brows furrowed as she was pulled out of that dream, and slowly she muttered, “Apparently I was my best… but why weren’t they?”

She meant, of course, the dolls who still didn’t have their personalities. She didn’t realize quite yet that DeWitt had given her her personality back for two reasons: her five years had long been up, and the Dollhouse needed her intelligence. But then again, with her mind in the state it was, she might have just passed for another Active.

… Only another Active.[/ul]

never let it fade away...

[X-RAY]

Sleep never came for Criss, he spent the long lonely hours after he'd left Dr. Saunders alone in his pod. But at first light he was up and out as always it seemed he was the first one up. There was no checking for him, he wasn't aware, to him it was but another day another moment and another endless sting of memories. For him it was like a nitemare that didn't end even when he wasn't asleep. The visions and the thoughts never faded.

What he feared most he'd forget everything, that one day he'd wake up in that chair. Totally wiped, everything he knew or thought he knew gone, erased as if it was never there. Moving quiet but quick he headed towards the hall to eat. He was hungry, he'd skipped breakfast thinking, alone but hating it. Criss spent more time alone now contemplating wondering who he really was. Who was this 'Criss' he kept thinking himself as, who was X-Ray and why did he feel like neither were really him anymore? Both names felt like him, both he answered too, but he never heard Criss anymore it was but a name he clung too. This X-Ray there were other names too, the imprints, the people he had been because of the people within the walls here.

X-Ray.. it was his name in these walls, Criss thought of a lot of things, wondered where each name came from. There were so many.. Echo and Juliet, Ivy, Whiskey, Viktor all of them. Where did they come from, who were any of them.. really? That was what Criss longed to know. Not just who he was.. but who they all were. It didn't make sense. He just wanted to wake up from all this, but he was scared of the thoughts of the blurred he couldn't remember.

The grumble of his stomach almost made him jump. He usually didn't skip meals, but his thoughts wouldn't let him do anything else. Always he liked to be with people but lately he was alone. Not always by choice but he was, silent and there in the lonely thoughts. Finally he reached it, food was just before him. When he had a tray in his hands he picked at it eating half the sandwich before he'd even turned to find a seat.

It was still early not many were here yet, his icy blue eyes scanned the room. He'd always kept to himself it wasn't as if he had friends in here. He was a loner now, keeping to himself because he didn't want to get close, he was scared of losing anyone else. Even if who he lost wasn't real he couldn't seperate reality from the now. Licking the mayo from his lip he looked at Juliet. She was alone, he knew she likley wanted to be. But he didn't.

"Hi.. Juliet. You mind if I sit here?" He asked with a hopeful smile, he wasn't sure if she'd say yes, but it beat being alone.

Just a shadow.

[JULIET]

catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket

[/font][/size][/i]uliet was sitting there, her fingers still trailing around the picture, but she did not read the words on the opposite page. Of course she knew it was lunch time, but no one bothered her anymore. There was no handler to tell her to get lunch, no one to baby her into standing, no one to tell her to get a treatment if she didn’t listen. However, from her knowledge of things, Actives always listened. Now she didn’t want food; she wasn’t hungry, simply put.

But she wasn’t sure she was much of anything else, either. As she stared blankly at the page, she realized quickly that she couldn’t really be much of anything else, either. She was a person with her mind in her body in a place filled with dolls. She was, at best, useless because her mind now allowed for only one being in there, not the millions that had resided in there at one point or another. Except—she’d heard about Echo and her brain and how many people could reside in her brain. Could the same happen to all of the other Actives? Or was Echo special? She’d heard Echo was special, so that must be it.

Suddenly, a voice made her look up, made her break her moment of intense reverie. “Hi… Juliet. You mind if I sit here?” Juliet’s head jerked up sharply and her light blue eyes focused on X-Ray. X-Ray was a doll… was X-Ray a doll? Everyone was going back to their roots somehow, but was X-Ray still a doll, or had he been given his intelligence back like she had been? Everything was different for Juliet now because Juliet had to remember who she could really talk to, and who she had to be careful with. The dolls wouldn’t understand her complex mind but the real people—no, she couldn’t quite call them Actuals since they had been dolls at one time—would probably think her strange for talking to them in those tones.

“Hello,” she said, letting a smile slide onto her face. At this point she wasn’t sure if it were real or fake. She didn’t know how to take this man, and not in matrimony (oh, the joys of remembering certain phrases… “do you take this man…”). “Yes, X-Ray, you may sit next to me.” She said, sliding over on the ground for him to sit.

But why would anyone want to sit on the ground, back plastered against a wall, when there were plenty of open seats around? Maybe dolls didn’t have preferences. Maybe he was like her and had seen her alone and wanted to talk to her. Either way, he was here now. If he were a doll and she’d told him off, he might become confused. If he were real and she’d told him off, well, he might still have been confused, but he might also have realized that she were real. Now, while that wasn’t all so bad, she rather liked people thinking she was still a doll—she acted like it enough.

“Is the sandwich good?”
[/ul]

[X-RAY]

Criss had spent the nite by the pool. Stareing at it, just sitting there watching the crystal clear water move making its gentle waves. The sound and movement had quieted his thoughts and relaxed his mind. If only for a little while. Things were all out of sync now. Criss missed going out, missed his handler, even missed treatments. Well not actually missed the treatments, but it was the routine, the action and the structure that he long for again. He almost wanted someone to tell him to eat, or not eat to not stay up all nite stareing at the water. But they didn't, he was still here but no-one cared. He was hungry so he ate, he wasn't tired so he didn't sleep. Simple, but boring.

His mind still held many, he'd never truely let go of his pervious selves. But it was his 'true' self he clung to most. Some how he still remembered who he was, or thought he did. Unable to seperate real from imprinted confused him. Still he was a doll, his mind hadn't quite clicked yet, while he could tell other dolls around him were different he couldn't understand what. Some of them were 'special' but he wasn't sure what that meant. Good or bad he didn't understand. He still feared things such as 'The Attic'. Being thrown up there in the darkness alone to rot away. Never had he been up there, or known of anyone going but he didn't like the sound of it, it scared him. Dark and alone didn't sit well. If special meant he would break and be sent up there he never wanted it to click, never wanted to be special.

Still a doll clinging to what made no sense, yet what made him feel safe. He seemed smart though, as if he understood, or he faked it well. He didn't get it though, he just knew he didn't want to be alone, and she was here, alone so maybe she wanted company. She could always say no, he'd be sad perhaps but he'd walk away and leave her to the wall and her book.

He smiled at her as she smiled, his was as pure as could be. Innocent, almost child-like but pure. When she agreed, he gave a light smile again as he moved to sit down. He kept a space between them, but was glad to not have to sit alone to his thoughts.

The ground was fine for him, he often took it over the chairs, though he'd spent the nite standing, anywhere was better than standing upright. But always he'd perfered the ground, he'd curl up there and think or sit by the pool when he wasn't swimming. Now beside her, next to someone besides himself he was happier. He'd have been sad, yes, if she'd told him no. Maybe even confused but he'd have just left perhaps gone back to the pool or find a quite corner to curl up in. Pieces were slowly falling in and out of place for him, he wasn't quite an 'actual' but he wasn't totally still a doll.

Nodding at her, "It was.." Only half remained now, plus the fries on his plate that weren't likely to be eaten. "Did you already eat?" He asked her to make the conversation continue, talking was better than silence.

[JULIET]

catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket

[/font][/size][/i]he young woman had somewhat expected a doll to come up to her and ask her to sit. Of course she’d let him, there was nothing much else to say. She didn’t want to, you know, cause bad thoughts in a simple-minded innocent as-of-now doll. So she let him sit, even as her eyes tried to focus back on the page that she was not reading. She felt safe in the ‘House, strangely safer, too, around dolls. But dolls weren’t like how they used to be, so Dr. Saunders and Topher had said. They had used to be imprinted with ninja skills or something, she didn’t know. She wasn’t one of them.

Alpha had gotten to them. Hell, Alpha was one of them.

Juliet forced herself to turn back to him, yet another kind smile on her face. She wasn’t quite sure what he was anymore, what anyone besides herself was. She didn’t even know who she was, except, in a strange way, she did know what she was. She closed the book and shook her head, “No, I have not eaten yet.”

She was going to shrug, but remembered quickly that dolls would not really understand what she was doing. Instead, she gestured at the sandwich, “I wasn’t very hungry yet. It is early still. I can still get some food later.”

But the sandwich made her stomach roil. Lately, the young woman wanted nothing more than to just sit alone and think. She’d had so much on her mind lately that she didn’t know what to think. What an ironic thought, she could think way more than a doll yet she didn’t know what to think. “Do you know what is in this sandwich?” She asked, continuing on the simple conversation. Her fingers now trailed circles on the cover.[/ul]

[X-RAY]

Criss in his mind was just being nice, and partly his whole aversion of being alone right now. He was convinced that the voices in his head, aside from the one called Criss, were out to get him. And quite honestly they scared him. But when he was talking to someone else, they weren't as loud.. usually. The house was safe, for someone who didn't remember anything else. Imprinted with who only knew what. Criss had forgotten all his personalites. He just knew the 'Bloody man' for sure and one or two others, but they all blured together in the end it was hard to keep track. His mind was slipping away from him perhaps, and he didn't even know it.

Alpha, Criss knew nothing about, only what he heard around, or saw when Viktor was attacked, otherwise nothing.

He smiled as she turned to him, maybe she didn't mind him sitting here after all. It was random him asking after all. But he hoped she didn't mind to much. "I hadn't eaten since yesterday." He told her.

Watching her, he waited for a reply, as he picked at a french fry. He didn't like them though not really they were usually salty. He ate one though just because. When she spoke he looked at the sandwich and nodded. "Yes they always have food here. It's always good. Well mostly." He told her as if she didn't know.

Criss munched on the fry nipping at it like maybe he was just bored. For him thinking just happened. All the voices and thoughts made his head hurt none of it made sense really but it was there and got rather jumbled at times. "Ham an cheese. It's my favorite." He told her with a smile, then added, "Do you want some? You can have it or the fries I don't like them." He offered kindly.
....
OOC :
Sorry for the delay, haven't been feeling well. Medicated from allergies, now from my knew blowing out on me again. >_< Im usually a lot quicker with replys..

[JULIET]

catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket

[/font][/size][/i]hen X-Ray spoke of the food, Juliet just nodded as if she hadn’t known. In reality, Juliet knew about the food of the House. Recently it seemed as if the food was beginning to run out—or at least they were starting to conserve it. She had liked the food no matter if it were the recent food products or old food.

Ham and cheese, yuck. Juliet hated ham—though bacon was good. She hated the texture of it, the color of it, it’s smell. She had thought it was ham because of that stench. She gave X-Ray a weak smile. It might have been his favorite, but it was definitely not hers. She didn’t let that on, though, and answered back politely, “oh, no, you haven’t eaten—you should eat it.”

Besides, it was ham, though the cheese was good. Juliet had nothing against cheese. Because X-Ray was a doll, though, she accepted a proffered french fry. “Thank you.” She chewed thoughtfully and the two fell into a silence that was not exactly uncomfortable. After the fry was finished, she felt her now-restless fingers trail over the binding of the book.

“After lunch, what are you going to do?” Juliet asked, breaking the silence. She fully expected to hear ‘I think I’ll go for a swim,’ or ‘I think I’ll go draw.’ That’s what dolls said. Juliet usually asked that question to determine who was more aware and who… wasn’t. She was probably going to sit and stay sat until the lunchtime rust died down.
[/ul]

[X-RAY]

Criss was just making conversation, he was glad for it. For him food was still here, he didn't quite understand what was going on. Somehow stuck between actual and doll he hadn't yet grasped the trouble that surrounded them all. He was hungry and it was good, food here was always good. Never had he been picky, there wasn't much that he didn't like leftovers or fresh. He just liked food in general.

Cheese really was good to him. Anything with cheese he'd eat. But the ham was good otherwise he was a steak guy, but when it came to sandwiches ham an cheese all the way. With a little mayo and maybe some lettuce. He smiled lightly back at her nodding again. "Thanks.." Repling softly he picked at the other half of the sandwich.

Smiling at her again, as she took a fry. He didn't mind, he didn't like them so she could have all she wanted. Taking the sandwich off the plate he put the plate between them. "You're welcome..You can have more if you want I don't like those." He offered as he munched on his sandwich again, not devouring it like he had the first half.

Shrugging lightly, not sure really if it were right or not for the time, "I don't know. What about you?" Criss asked. He liked swimming but he'd spent the nite by the pool. Even fallen sleep for a bit floating there. So right now he wasn't into the pool, an drawing wasn't his thing. No what he really wanted right now was to just not be alone.

....

OOC :
So sorry for the delay. Usually I'm quicker just lately I've been under the weather. >_<

[JULIET]

catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket

[/font][/size][/i]
“What am I going to do?” Juliet echoed, putting a finger on her lips in a questioning expression. She looked up at the skylights above, her eyes focusing on them instead of X-Ray. She thoughtfully touched her finger to those lips.

Then a smile crossed her face; “I have no idea, and, you know what, I’m perfectly fine with that.”

He had offered for her to take more fries, but she had studiously ignored that comment. She did not want his food, and did not feel right taking any, even if he’d offered. Being in the presence of dolls seriously hindered her skills of… whatever she was skilled in. She turned to him and grinned.

“Do you have a preference?” She asked, setting the book aside to fully look at him. “I mean, of what you want to do after you finish eating? I cannot think of anything to do, and would like some help in finding out what sounds good.”

Of course, she was perfectly fine with reading the book over again, but Juliet did not feel like reading anymore right now. In fact, she hadn’t really read anything in the first place. The pictures were very good, nice narrations and the like. Pretty colors. But she hadn’t really been reading it; she’d been sitting there wondering what she could do.

Her eyes were alight, though not nearly as alight as they ought to have been. It was as if she wasn’t all there even if she was. This was because X-Ray did not … arouse her … as much as some might have. To her, he was just a doll.
[/ul]